October 5, 2014 i sat down after my father died and wrote down what I was feeling. Though very personal, I am sharing in hopes of letting others see into the beauty that can be in death. It doesn't have to be a traumatic, awful event at all. For some, it will be but for me it was anything but. I wanted to make sure my dad departed this earth knowing he wasn't alone and that he was more loved than he could imagine. I believe I accomplished this along with my family's help, so if you should read this I hope you never forget that our life and death are only what we make them to be. Live gracefully, go peacefully.....i love you pappy. This was the very best way I knew how to convey to you all,my reflections & emotions from this journey with my dad. I am only sending this to the few whom I hold in high regards, whom I love as much as I love my father, and to whom I respect on another level of life that I didn’t know was possible. So, to those who receive this, know that you were my strength today and I thank you. I was given an opportunity to give my dad a gift that I will never be able to replicate again, I was his voice, calm and certain, loving and forgiving,steadfast in my decision to help him have peace for the first time in his life.I was courageous and brave, hopeful yet realistic of the outcome, I shared his last few hours with him by his side with my son on his other, singing to him,sharing stories of memories that only him and I would remember, laughing with him although his was silent, to the many wonderfully stupid things we used to do when we drank. I recalled for him the many qualities he possessed as myfather, my friend, as a grandpa, a brother, as a son of God because I was sure he had never heard them enough in his short 60 years on earth and I was determined to speak them all to him. I thanked him for being such a brave man,for standing proud as a veteran with honor, for giving me life so that I may be there when his ended to give him all the grace and dignity one could have when breathing those final last whips of life. I never once shed a tear on or near him, I had a smile in my voice, I asked him things that would need his approval in some way just so he could acknowledge me to the very end and feel as if hewas as much a part of his passing as he could, I never told him what I would do but simply asked him so he could somehow feel that these were his decisions.And they were, all of them. We had spoken of his wishes many times, I wanted to know what my dad truly wanted for himself should it come to this. I never pushed him into any decision when he was well enough to decide even when he wanted me to. I demanded his doctor’s approval before allowing him to put pen to paper, as I needed him to know that he was capable of making a decision that could alter the course of the end of his life with us, and I wouldn’t change what I did. I did only and exactly what my dad wanted, by his own admissions and for thefirst time in my life experienced the most calming, proud, peaceful existence while in that room today because I knew in my heart that I was giving my dad what he wanted. I wasn’t selfish, I wasn’t opinionated to change the course based on my own feelings or wants, I simply found a way to separate my own from the moment at hand and it was oddly, the easiest most effortless thing I have ever done. I spoke to my father until long after he had passed, until the doctor had to move me away from him to check his heart and call the time. I have not cried yet, and though I am sure it will come, it will never be tears of shame, guilt or regret for my dad. I know my dad heard every word as he struggled with the decision to stay for us, or go home for himself and I wanted to make it as easy for him as I could. I told him how proud I was to be his daughter and his friend, honored to have been chosen by him for such an important moment, and that him and I made a pretty great team together. I shared my love for him through his favorite song FreeBird by Lynard Skynard, while laying my head on his chest and singing to him. I voiced my approval for him to go at any time should he want to, and that he was never a burden on anyone and I was sorry if he ever felt that way at all. I reminded him that it wasn’t he who had given up, but his body and that was not anything any of us could control in life. I asked him to please look for my Gracie bean and even for Jake and to let them know I will always love and miss them. I spoke of how I knew it would be Grandma waiting for him when he got there and how happy she would be to have her boy with her again. I thanked him for coming home to us, for staying in my home, for being a part of my family with Jim and Jacob, for letting us love him and find our way back together making us stronger than ever before. I could go on and on about the many things I said repeatedly to him, but they were only meant for him to peacefully let go and he did so while hearing what a wonderful man and father he truly was. After he left, I had to ask the nurse if I was ok. She looked at me funny and I kept staring and smiling at her, saying I was serious and needed to know if I was ok? Was I acting normal for this situation or should I be concerned that I was so calm and in control? She said to me, you are perfect. You have accepted this is what your dad chose for himself and you acted out of love and love alone for him by being selfless for him and his last wishes. And in that moment, the proud I was; filled my heart in the spaces where I was going to hurt for my dad leaving us. I knew that from start to finish I was exactly what I told my dad I would be, his voice and his daughter, who he counted on to follow through no matter how tough the decisions would be. I could not be more pleased with myself and my sudden growth as a person today in my ability to love my dad enough to just be there for him and nothing more. I hope I am making sense to you all, and not sounding like I have lost it or am being unemotional about his death. My dad is more alive to me right now than he ever has been, and I wouldn’t change a thing about this experience with him or my family. I want to say so much more, but am exhausted and want to lay down and think about my dad. I want to tell him how much I love him still and I want to envision him as he deserved to be for so long…FREE. You will never know just how much of an impact your words and actions towards me had on my being able to give this gift to my dad. I will never care who says what to me, their selfish opinions or spiteful words, they could never take away my joy today in the love I was able to share with my father as sadly their battle is just beginning for the ways they were and the wrongs they have done. I love you all, I am proud to be who I am today more than any day before in my life, and I know that the ones who matter are the ones who are receiving this letter and that is all I will ever need. Rest easy daddy, it has been a long ride and I am so glad that I was by your side for it…..i will see you again but until I do, watch over us if you can and every now and then let us know you are near. I love you.